I hate this weather…

I hate this weather because we are on an air-conditioner hiatus and it gets up to 90 upstairs. The air is so thick and so hot it’s hard to breathe, or sleep, or think, or move, or live, or...

I hate this weather because it makes all my lotions separate. I am a lotion whore…not during the day so much. But at night my entire body is coated up in multiple concoctions and now all these concoctions are melty and greasy and oily. Bleh!

I hate this weather because I am a sweater…a nervous sweater. It’s a real condition folks-look it up. So for example say I am at the girls’ school…there are people there. Like people I may have to actually interact with. People I may have to actually TALK to (gulp!). This thought alone makes my body start to produce copious amounts of sweat. Usually I can control it with Jedi mind tricks. But when it’s this hot I can’t. I’ll feel a pool of nervous sweat between my boobies start up..this makes me even more nervous..which makes me sweat even more until I literally have sweat pouring down the front of my shirt. And for some crazy inhumane and completely cruel twist of fate God has also blessed me with the world’s sweatiest ass. Not in the crack per say but right under the cheeks. I can feel drips down the back of my legs and I have been known to sport some mean lookin’ half moon sweat stains under my booty. And yes I have tried rubbing deodorant on my butt-it doesn’t help.

I hate this weather because it makes my already completely crazy hair even crazier…if you can imagine that. The humidity makes it frizz out and the curly underside get all kinky curly and big and frizzy and the straight upper layer gets all kinky straight and big and frizzy. Because why oh why would my hair just be one texture when I could have 2 on this already freakish body of mine!

I hate this weather because I cook dinner most nights. And my kids are straight up tired…and a little pissed off truth be told…if after a lunch of p.b and j they come home and have the same thing for dinner. So I inevitably have to turn on the stove at some point and it makes me angry.

I hate this weather..because I love my husband. Like REALLY love him. Like so much that when we go to bed at night I can’t fall asleep until we are totally intertwined and mashed up together….I can never seem to get close enough to him. I want to live in him. But in this weather….well he is a human heater. He radiates this mean blazing intense heat. Would be nice if he did this also when it starts to get into the 50’s in this house.

I hate this weather because we don’t have a pool. You know when you’re little and really REALLY want the latest greatest thing. And you think you will DIE if you don’t get it….and if you’re mom bought it for you then life would be perfect. You’d be popular at school, you’d always be happy, you’d have no more worries in the world?
Well that’s how I feel about pools right now. If we only had a pool….I feel like I wouldn’t care that my hair is frizzy, or that bills are due, or that I can’t find a job. If we had a pool world peace would be attained, life would be perfect, and I’d be popular at school.