September 11th

So I had a whole blog post written up yesterday but my husband said that it’s disrespectful to post about 9/11-he said to leave it alone…. That there weren’t any words….so I said ok. But then I woke up this morning and I still can’t shake my thoughts. And so I asked if he still thought I shouldn’t post and he said I still think you shouldn’t and I said but but but but-Bert posted a 9/11 blog. So there…I am gonna cuz Bert did. By the way he wrote a great 9/11 post…follow him.. I know most of you already do…stalkers! (P.s. can I do that?? Cross-reference another blog? I gave him credit so its ok right?)
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I’ll admit I am one of those Americans who in the years since 9/11/01 passed have pushed the day and the weeks and months and year that followed deep deep deep into my subconscious. Truth be told if asked right now what I did 9/11/07 or 9/11/08 I really couldn’t say. I don’t think it was anything other than just a day. It was just September 11th. Usually the girls’ school has them dress in red white and blue and they will gather around the flag and sing a patriotic song. But this year they did nothing. My kids still wore red white and blue. And most years this is the extent of it…the girls in their patriotic garb and me stealing a few quiet seconds in the shower to offer up a prayer for our nation, for all those affected and all those still fighting for us….and then we are on with our day.

But this year as the day was fading and after we had stuffed ourselves with a Friday night feast we settled down on the couch and started channel surfing. We came across a show on The History Channel called “The 102 minutes That Changed America”. No commentary, no commercials…just raw video from civilians as they took in this surreal string of events. We couldn’t look away. We sat in front of the TV paralyzed. We watched the first plane hit and saw the shock on people’s faces…then when the second plane hit the video was being shot from an apartment with 2 women and the screams that follow are still ringing in my ears-the point when they realized it wasn’t an accident. Then there was a camera on people’s faces on the ground watching these two smoldering buildings and they looked terrified and I had my hand over my mouth and I felt nauseous because I knew. I knew that what they had witnessed was only the beginning. Then it cut back to a video being shot from another apartment and 2 girls trying to determine what exactly was falling from the buildings-saying it was too heavy for paper and hoping it was office chairs….and their reactions when they realized what it was…I can’t find words to describe their voices, their screams, their panic. I felt it though-all these years later…I felt it through the TV. It reached out to me and grabbed me and ripped at me and tore me down. I am still shaken today. And the call of the Fire Chief to dispatch to get a rundown of the different units inside the first tower hit….the operator listed off engine after engine. It went on for at least a minute of her rapidly listing all units inside the building…Engine 105, Engine 206, Ladder 11, Ladder 27, Engine 14, Engine 55…..-and knowing their fate. And the 911 call of the man on the 105th floor…and the operator who could only offer up an”I’m so sorry”. And the group of emergency personnel rushing toward the towers with gear strapped to them ready to help-I teared up and screamed in my head ‘don’t go! turn around!’ And then the first building falling. And the black that swallowed up the city for blocks and blocks. And once the dust settled the eerie quiet…except for the incessant low chirping. Which I had learned recently is the alarm on firefighters that is sounded when they are in distress, when they have not moved for a set amount of time…

I watched all this knowing that I had seen it before but somehow much more affected, more moved, more shaken by it then I had been in the past…I was sick to my stomach last night. Maybe it’s because I was so young then? Or because that day I was in such a surreal state of being that I never really took in all the footage and accounts? Or maybe its because there is something about the unfiltered, unscripted emotion of real people and their reactions that was just beyond any words I could type here…



I remember that morning. 9/11/01. I was just 23 and had a newborn. I woke up to get Bug ready for kindergarten and saw on TV what I thought was a movie channel left on by Chris. I don’t remember much more than that. I somehow called and reported to the school that I was keeping Bug home…they got angry with me-I remember that…not sure why though I suspect a lot of kids were kept home that day. I didn’t want to be alone so I pilled all 4 of us into our car and drove down to my sister’s house. I remember pulling up to her house…but not remembering how I got there. I was in such a daze. I remember being scared to death to drop off Bug at school the next day. Walking away from her classroom was so hard. And they held a parent meeting that night to discuss the events and how they’d handle it at school ..and the teachers cried and thanked all the parents for trusting them with our kids and that they’d always protect them. And I remember I just wanted to home school at that point…I wanted to hole up in our house with my family and never leave. You see I’m a worrier…always have been always will be. When I was little I’d stay up late at night questioning my mom “so if I go to bed I WILL wake up in the morning right? and you’ll wake up? And no one will bomb us?” That was always a fear…. so ironic. And she’d answer, “yes you’ll live through the night and yes so will I and no, no one will ever bomb us..This is America” Well here was my worst fear happening. I was beyond paranoid now. I spent nights calculating the distance from here to the local power plant that they were saying could be a target, scaring myself with thoughts of bombs and terrorists. And everywhere we went I was questioning our safety. Was the football stadium a target? It WAS a group of gathered people..were we safe? And then they arrested some people down the street from us. They found a 'sleeper cell' of terrorists. They were finding them everywhere. But in OUR neighborhood?? There were news trucks lining the streets... Somewhere along the line the paranoia faded…somehow. Days must have passed..then weeks and months and now years. And slowly it all got buried in me.

A part of me wished we hadn’t turned on that program last night….something about the “viewer discretion” warnings every 15 minutes almost tempted me a number of times to turn on something else. But we couldn’t. And I am glad. I was forgetting…I never want to forget.

A few weeks after 9/11/01 in the very very early morning hours we met family and friends in the parking lot of Qualcomm stadium for the human flag and tribute for 9/11. We were all dressed in red white and blue and we chanted ‘USA! USA!’…and we held hands and we cried and we were proud to be Americans.

I think it’s just as important that we don’t lose that feeling as it is to remember 9/11. Those days that followed where every where you went there was a flag- On freeway overpasses, on buildings, on cars. And people cared for each other. We were one nation under God indivisible…

We are STILL one nation under God indivisible.
Never forget.